Growing up in Africa, I was not accustomed to seeing couples show affection in public. I was told constantly to act like a lady. Sex is like a forbidden fruit that no one will openly admit they eat. I learned to keep all my feelings bottled up. I learnt a lot about sex from Silhouette books, which I would hide and read in private.
It wasn’t until middle school in Canada, when I took a a sex-ed course, that I started to be more open to discuss sex and learn that it is just a normal action gifted by nature.
It was during those sex ed classes that I learned about safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases and about LBGTQ +. It took awhile for me to adjust to the idea that as a woman, I am free to make any decisions concerning my body.
Sex should be a consenting and enjoyable engagement for adults, where both parties play the lead. My experiences in North America, has allowed me to be more expressive and shockingly great at taking initiatives sexually in my relationships. Our African tradition had taught us that sex should be a private ceremony between a man and his wife and that respectable women, should upkeep the image of privacy and digress from showing any form of attractiveness to other men. However, this same tradition hailed African men for their toxic masculinity, promiscuity, and sexual liberation, while women are expected to be on their best behaviour. This deep-rooted, culturally approved behaviour works to silence the voices of women and empowers the ego of men.
What happened to the woman that got cheated on? Or the woman that’s in a relationship but lacks sexual satisfaction from her partner? Is she allowed to talk about masturbation or her sexual desires? Can a woman have multiple partners, or would she be called a slut? If she asks you out on a date, does that mean she is too easy to get? Who is in charge of the scale, because it is not equally balanced.
When it comes to sex, the words “ It is not an African thing” should not be used in this day and age without further research and insight. I know there are LGBTQ + people in Africa, we can say it is not an African thing all we want, but by not admitting their existence, we are discriminating and oppressing others. Women asking men for a date, women taking charge of their reproductive system, and women having sexual freedom is not just what other people do, but should be looked on as an African thing as well. Sex should be a conversation that a parent should discuss with their children. We should be able to talk about sex, and bring education around it. Otherwise, our young people will lack the knowledge they need to make better decisions and to prevent themselves from being victims of sexual violence or harassment.
African culture has taught girls to suppress their sexuality and have a repressive view of sex. This double standard only spewed hate, shame and abuse. Women and men are sexual beings, with desires. We all crave intimacy in different ways and it is about time African people realize that when it comes to sex, women just like men, are free to express themselves too.
