VAGINA DIARIES: Shhh! Don’t Say It Out Aloud

Vagina, my vagina, your vagina and our vaginas deserve the well-earned respect they have embodied for eons of years, pre-dating many centuries, cultures, taboos and myths. Lamentably, they can be termed the most misunderstood organ in the body, like their counterpart (the penis); normalized with derogatory under-tones, painfully ugly terminology, this or that, often called out in hushed tones. These behaviours almost depicting how offensive these body parts are seen by some societies, people and their idea of religion.

Scratch that, the above narrative, a few decades ago in some other cultures will be held as a contrary view- perhaps in these spaces – our sexual and reproductive organs were held in awe with some level of sacredness and beauty that revered the functions that they carried. Well mostly for a certain time especially for women, until that PERIOD when they are less ‘desirable’ and their bodies no longer serve as receptacles of pleasure. During this ‘period’ and at certain times of the month, the vagina is perceived by owners as well as invited guests as unclean. These contrary views are interwoven and fluctuate through smaller hubs called families and communities, often presenting parallel and or contrary views around our sexual organs that often evoke strong feelings and further complications for many people throughout their lives.

This narrative is an opinion piece and should not be considered as an expert expose. The big idea or goal would be for you to seek out the truths that will encourage you to have a healthier relationship with your vagina, make peace with it and embrace the doorway of self – love and awareness that it reveals.

My Vagina Diaries

‘My Vagina is beautiful and it deserves my attention’, that’s how I have started affirmatively and affectionately speaking to the fierce muscles that surround my pelvic area.

Thankfully, I come from a fairly liberal family. Very early on, I got the basic family life education that encompassed why we had some body parts, how to hygienically look after them, what sex meant and how it made people pregnant. However, the rest of the orientation was religion biased and punctuated with phrases such as do not touch it, don’t play with it, do not be fascinated by it.

Since 2021, my vagina has suffered major trauma due to ill health. I was often repulsed, just by the sight of it. As an avid lover of life and a curious person. I invested in re-acquainting myself with my vagina; reading, researching and applying self- love strategies to that part of my body.

It’s been weeks since my visit to the Vagina Museum , this experience piqued my interest in writing Vagina Diaries and speaking with other  women about their Sexual Reproductive Health and Rights. Interestingly, many of these women had never taken time to view their Vagina’s – they cannot tell you it’s shape, colour, size, how it smells and how it makes them feel. Mainly because at some point in their lives, they were told not to pay attention to it and if they did it made them bad, sinful, lustful and cheap.

Let’s unpack our idea of what should be the norm, to enable this process. You must pass this test, otherwise reading on will be like cheating in a public exam.

Dear Woman,

Look for a hand-held mirror or a mirror that reflects your entire body.

Find a private area and strip! Yes, take off your clothes.

Look at your Vagina, like you are inspecting an object of love. Gently unfold the layers, hoping you still have them and note the following – what colour is it? How much hair do you have on it – are you comfortable with the length (or have you been wearing it like this to suit your vagina’s guest). Touch it, it’s yours. Become aware of how it looks and own that unique pattern in your mind. That’s you in all of your glory!

How was that experience? Document it.

It’s Time for a Deep Dive

Let’s start with the myths that caught me off guard.

I have added on comments and questions from different people on the different themes, shared with permission.

Period Sex

‘The main reason why I cheat is because my wife has very long and messy periods, I really hate bothering her. Truth is, I wandered off by accident and it turned out that ‘the lover’ did not mind me exploring with her anytime’.

‘I would never ever sleep with a woman that’s on her period, she is unclean and unfit to be engaged in that way’.  It may surprise you to note that people have the misconception that having sex during your period, makes you give birth to an albino.

‘I feel really disgusted with myself and I can barely stand the sight of changing my sanitary towels when on my period’.

The statements outlined above are real and shared by trusted folks within my environment. I was taken aback, as I had considered myself to be very liberal and assumed my associates were the same. I had forgotten our relationship with SHAME and our culture of shying away from what we do not understand.

A few of my readers would ask, Ariana are you cool with having sex, when on your period? Truth to be told, I must confess it has been a journey. Firstly, I had heavy and painful periods – the last thing on my mind in the early days was copulation. As I came to terms with my body, I got to realize that I did have over flowing waves of desire -right before and after my periods. Like wine, slowly intoxicating me; I encouraged those feelings to linger on, even during my cycle – research revealed to me that among other things SEX helped with PAIN RELIEF during period cramps. AND that’s how I became a willing subject!

Get creative with Period Sex, certainly worth the nice shower afterwards.

Adventures in the Bedroom

If you are not friends with your body, you will not be in a position to figure out what makes you tick, inadvertently no one will be able to take you to your cloud Nine. Cloud Nine means different things for different people of different ages, body sizes and sexual orientation. Don’t shoot the messenger! I will however gladly encourage every human including older women; you need to explore your sexual desires and catch up on much needed lost time. Practice the years invested in reading Mills and Boon. Shock your partners with your desires – learn how to intiate sex. Take up younger lovers who have the vitality to match your deepest desires.

Be unique with your exploration, check out- one word: KAMASUTRA. 

Educating Our Sons About Periods

If you are a woman, mother, aunty and sister and you have never talked to your son or nephew about periods, you are failing the cycle of happiness and reproduction! Similarly, if you are a man, father, uncle or brother and you have never taken the opportunity to learn about periods – you are certainly not ready for gender parity.  I hope my attempt at black mail worked, if it hasn’t let us look at it squarely. Boys interact with girls, demystify what makes them different to enable platforms that are true and honest. By chance or accident, they are bound to see blood – rather than making it an embarrassment- let it be an education.

Periods are more scientific than sexual; puberty is the gateway to responsibility and adulthood. Get your children to work with a sex educator, invite an expert to host a party for your kids and or enroll in an online class. 

Sex Myths around Maternal Health & Rights

Sex if your physiology or medical condition permits during pregnancy does improve bonding, development and growth of the unborn child!

Our children get to appreciate and understand emotions through intimacy and sexual stimulation, mainly due to the hormones that are released during the act. Looking to have a peaceful baby, have sex frequently during pregnancy.

Hello liberated parents, nothing wrong with breastfeeding a child and having sex regularly except if you are unsure of your partner’s sexual health and do not want to risk the development of your growing child. These are both very healthy actions that support your family’s well being. 

Self-Pleasure and Sex toys

Let’s just say that I overheard: Oh! I am a Virgin, a man has never penetrated me, but I can kiss and suck the life out of you. I am a mistress of giving head. Girl, you’ve been sexing- it’s called oral sex. I hope you know that you can catch Sexually Transmitted Diseases and infections through that. Truth to be told, you are at risk of dying from pleasure. I hope you intend to get tested soon; you intend to play safe soon?

Now on to matters of the body- albeit guilty pleasures that’s purely based on choice. I am not a sex advocate; however, I know that feelings and orgasms are natural, they come from God. Don’t quote me to your pastor but do you know that self-pleasure helps to destress, re-callibrate and rejuvenate your cells. In my humble opinion, the favourite holy text used to discredit masturbation : Genesis 38:6–10 has nothing whatsoever to do with masturbating. It has to do with Onan disobeying God when God told him to impregnate his sister in law.

Sexual feelings at teenage years are very normal and teenagers must be encouraged to have these conversations with parents or trusted people around that.

Your Mental Health and Your Vagina

Sex increases life span, sex till you drop!

Slow down, we are not advocating for self- harm. Sex is meant to be enjoyed mindfully.

When you are unhappy with your sex life and or reactions to your sexual organs it messes up your entire pysche. Often, people become overtly guarded, tense and disatisfied with their sexual experiences.

Truthfully looking after that part of you is a deeply intimate action that can support with confidence building and self-esteem. Investing in self helps greatly – the kind of underwear matters (i.e if you wear one) find comfortable, crazy, sexy, cool ones. Shock yourself often, by switching up your style. Wear waistbeads, body jewellry that boosts moral. Explore somatic movements, that accentuante your sensual capabilities. Be attractive for YOU!  Re-name your sexual organs with powerful and beautiful phrases, call them that often.

I renamed mine ‘ Queen A’  to assert power, strength and dominance as I have been going through multiple procedures over the last few months. 

Also, having a lover who recognises your worth, honours and respects your body is vital to making strides in this department. Try to mend and if not possible ditch toxic relationships that leave you unloved and or unfulfilled. 

Further Reading & Resources :

• https://www.arianadiaries.com/2020/02/13/from-your-doctor-to-you-10-interesting-weird-and-surprising-sex-facts/
• https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Lives-African-Women/dp/0349701652
• https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/black-women-sexuality
• https://www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/breastfeeding-sex#leaking-breastmilk
• https://safe2choose.org/
• https://www.unfpa.org/sexual-reproductive-health